My life and the road that I'm heading.

This post goes past how I feel about a certain music video, but also relates to my other blog "The Pursuit of HappiNYC." It's kind of my way to announce my plans and thoughts to people in my world. It's also my way of coming to terms with myself and accepting how I feel. (So, if you are reading, read and watch the videos in the order that it's laid out.) This last year has been full with a lot of ups and downs. I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months than I ever thought that I would. After having my boyfriend walk out of my life and then learning that I was going to be evicted, I changed. Ever since those moments, since saying goodbye to New York, I haven't been the same. I know that. So, when I came back to Nashville, I made a point to try and be myself. I would try to do what I feel is right and be me. I've been struggling a lot with what I truly want to do. I know that I want to go into marketing within the music industry. I hope to eventually tour to fully be apart of it.

I  have had some great chances and opportunities come my way while in Nashville. A lot of which only a select few know about. I am scared. I have been worried that I would let my family and friends down. That I won't live up to the expectations that I have been set and that I have set for myself. So, I came to the realization that I need to take the time, the true time, to focus on who I am. I need to find myself, to do what I need to do, before I can fully be happy. I feel so fortunate to have spent my freshman year at Baruch College. The combination of Baruch College, the people I met, the experiences, and the city all have shaped me into who I am right now.

But the problem? I don't know who I truly am. I, like many others, am still finding myself. So, I have made the decision to focus on me. What does that mean? Well, next semester, I am supposed to be going back to school. However, I do not think school is right for me, not now, at least. I think school is extremely important and I'm not saying that I'm for sure not going back. But, I do truly think that I need more time off. I'll only be twenty next month, yet I feel as if I am much older. It makes me realize that this is the time to live. I don't want to look back at my life when I am eighty and think, "what if." I want to minimize the amount of regret that I may feel by living to the best of my ability.

Those of you that knew me in high school, and even middle school, can probably attest to the fact that I grew up focused on my academic career. This whole realization that I am going through right now is extremely hard for me to accept- that college may not be right for me. Because, I used to not understand people that took off a semester or a year, but now I do.

It's time that I take control of my life. I am not living for others. Others have lives to live for themselves. It's time for me to be me and do what I feel that I truly need to do. Either my friends and family will be there or they won't. So, what do I need to do? Well, that's a great question that I can't answer now. But, what do I want to do? I want to backpack across the United States, I want to live in California, for a while. I want to possibly live in Austin, Texas. Who knows, I might decide to check out Chicago. I don't know. I might stay in Nashville or might find my way back to New York. I don't know. Honestly, I think that I am okay with that. I need to spend the next several months focused on finding myself through exploration all while working on my connections and career.

This all roots from many things, but for me to better explain how I feel, I want to show you two separate videos. The first gives a better feel as to what happened to me in May. Strangely enough, I discovered that video by chance after everything that happened. It acts as a reminder of what happened. I don't watch it to feel sad, but to remember how numb I felt. It acts as a scar and reminds me of why I feel the way I feel now. Here's "These Four Words" by The Maine.

After watching that, I think the best way for you to, possibly, understand would to watch the next video before moving onto the next thing.

I only discovered the second video during the middle of the summer when I first had the slight thought that I want to eventually couch surf and explore. Lana Del Ray says,

"And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...
Because I was born to be the other woman.
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."

When I first heard this, it honestly scared me. It made me aware of how I felt. Feeling so confused is scary for someone that has always been so sure. She sings, "been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,

but I, I've got a war in my mind" which hits home on how I feel.

So, here I am. I'm going to to ride along life. I'm going to do the best I can to go along with things to become who I want to be. I want my life to continue on the path that it's currently on. I'm going to go along with the world and trust fate is going to make my life a "work of art."

It's time that I take control of my life.